Doorknobs, devotions, mousetraps and a new man.

Isn't 40 days an important number in the Bible? We know that some pretty amazing things happened in that short time span, and it seems that God is reminding me that He still uses such quick periods of time to change our lives. Forty days ago, I went out on a date (another one of quite a few that were the result of internet dating) and had no idea that an innocuous meeting at Starbucks could result in this incredible relationship I find myself in. I was greatly amused by the responses I got from some of my potential "matches": 'I'm a young 55', 'I'm just looking for an older (OLDER!!!) woman to support me'. Really? Is that what my options are out there? Fortunately, there were a few gems.

So, what is so amazing about this man I was able to separate from the dregs of the internet? Have we traveled to exotic places? Does he shower me with gifts? Is he a Ralph Lauren model? No. We are just doing life together. It was evident to me during our first (5 hour) date that Byl shared my passion to lead a Godly life and was, just as I am, seeking the mate that He would have him find. Am I that person for him? Is he for me? Ask me in a few months....

Meanwhile, life is in session. We have replaced doorknobs, shopped for cars, started a couples' devotional, had moments of spontaneous worship, fervently prayed together, and, as I write this, I await his arrival to set up some mousetraps to catch the dog food bandits. Oh, and cleaning the carpet is also on today's agenda. Romantic? You betcha! What makes this relationship romantic is that he opens my door, sends me texts to remind me I am beautiful, holds my hand every chance he gets, and most of all, loves my Saviour as much as I do. Guys, there is nothing more attractive to a Christian woman than a man who is willing and able to lead spiritually and take the time to understand the "Love Languages" of the woman he is dating.

We both hope that you will lift us up in prayer as we continue to seek God's will and His greater plan for both of our lives. Our goal is to be, in Matthew West's words, "In the center of your will for me."

"I seek you with all my heart;

do not let me stray from your commands." Psalm 119:10

I am so blessed to have found a man who is interested in me for all my sterling (and tarnished) qualities. Byl is supportive of my recovery, wants to meet (and has met some of) my friends, cares about my hurts and wants to be a part of my life. He has even experienced the excitement of a hemipelegic migraine at the ER, when I looked so attractive hooked up to an IV pole... and he hasn't run.

The next 40 days contain both John's birthday and the 2-year anniversary of his death. Byl knows about these days and is prepared to stand by me during what could be a tough 10 days. But, (not surprisingly), our God is a God of details, and it just so happens that we get to celebrate Byl's 41st birthday exactly between those two sad days. Isn't that a God-thing?

In Romans 12:12, we are reminded to, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." I have learned to do these and so much more in the past 2 years, and I couldn't have done it without your prayer support. I am looking forward to writing more about this new chapter in my life and continuing my notes on this journey.

Insomnia is My Friend

At least someone is sleeping in my house...

As many of you know, I have struggled with an addiction to prescription medications, specifically the heavy duty pain killers given for my migraines. I have been active in NA and Celebrate Recovery for two years, but it was really only the first year that I was legitimately "clean". On March 4, I checked myself in to an inpatient detox to safely stop the use which had accelerated since Christmas. I just took my 30 day chip at a women's NA group Tuesday night. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this recovery is that my body is still not used to sleeping unaided. So, many nights, I am up into the wee hours, reading and hoping for sleep.

It just occurred to me that I am almost exactly at one and a half years after John's death and I haven't been writing much at all in the last year. Why is that? I suppose God has been refining me in some very difficult ways and I wasn't ready to bear the heat, so I stayed away from exploring my emotions. If I look a little closer, I can realize that the time when I was exploring some of these deeper issues of abandonment and questioning my worth as a woman was when I slowly slipped back into using . I like to refer to what I have learned in recovery as tools for living. But somehow, I set down that toolbox, "forgot" where I had put it and it was lost in the piles of unused, but valuable things I have acquired over the years. The night of March 3rd, I went looking and for the last month,I have been dusting off my toolbox and remembering how to use the life-changing tools inside.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."-Jeremiah 33:3

Honestly, in those first few months after John died, I envisioned my life very different from what it is now. Though I feel like I have been stagnating, I know that even this period lacking much in measurable change is part of my story. What have I learned from these months of just existing? I have a quote from Helen Keller on my wall and it says,

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."

Contentment is something that I strive for and find most days. I suppose this is the lesson I needed to learn. After years of achieving anything I set my mind to and then years of barely surviving, I realize that nothing that I do (or don't do) is going to change the way my Savior looks at me. I spent so much time trying to be "happy", not realizing that it was an unachievable state. Happiness is something that occurs as a side affect of living a contented life. Moments of happiness are usually not even recognized until after the fact, but an attitude of contentment supersedes any circumstance.

"While we pursue happiness, we flee from contentment." ~Hasidic Proverb

So, if I had to take the long route to getting here, I am fine with that. If it took months of suffering from the fear of facing my feelings to get me here, so be it. If many more nights of broken and little sleep is what's required for me to learn this lesson once and for all, I am on board.

Contentment and peace seem to go hand in hand. I think that in the past I believed that I could never achieve peace because I was always looking to the future for something better. Today, I can look around me and focus so much more on the gratitude I have for the people and things that God has "supernaturally and strategically" put into my life.

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

-Proverbs 14:30

Instead of complaining about being awake at 1:41 am, I am choosing to see myself as blessed to be able to pick up my writing again. Staying focused on the now, being as fully aware of each moment as possible, and having an attitude of gratitude has and continues to change my outlook on life.

"I threw away that glass that was half empty and started filling a new one."-Cris New

I said this just last week to an old friend of 20+ years. During the three hour conversation, we talked about where we are today and where we thought we'd be. I wouldn't have guessed this reality for myself in a million years. Nevertheless, I find contentment in knowing that though I don't know the plan, I am intimately familiar with the Planner and that is sufficient unto today. It is so amazing to be able to laugh at my own words and feel secure in who I am.

Matt Redmond's song "Blessed Be Your Name" has been rolling around in my head for the past few days, so I thought I'd end this with a question: Can you bless His name even when you don't know where you are going? To me, that is another definition of contentment.