Are you “Strong Enough?” I certainly wouldn’t have thought that I could handle what God allowed in my life over the past two years and change. 983 days ago, I received the news that I was a widow. Nearly a thousand days have passed and I still find myself amazed that God has wrought these dramatic changes in my life. What is the same now as it was then? Not much. I am still a woman who seeks to grow in her walk with God, and I am still dealing with chronic pain. But the changes? So many, that I shake my head in wonder.
I have walked through grief and anger and found a peace- a contentment that truly surpasses my human understanding.
I have learned what it is that I truly value in life- honest relationships with the people God has placed in my life.
I have come to accept that my life, as I thought I had planned it out, does not exist; but the life the Planner has given me is real and vibrant.
I have discovered the gift of helping others and getting my mind off of my own obsessive thinking when life seems too overwhelming.
I have, through a few bad choices and an incredible God-shot, learned what kind of man I need in my life.
I have been given a man who loves me for my innermost self and sees beyond the package that I am currently wearing.
I have had my nearly two decades-long dream of being a mother nearly realized. And not just once, but four times over.
I am getting the opportunity to move to another part of the country that has four seasons, is 1662 miles away and is not connected with the history of loss and heartbreak that the High Desert still carries.
I am given an immediate outlet for my teaching gifts with four girls who all have different needs, and the potential to expand that back into a career.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to change many of my health issues. Through my bariatric surgery Wednesday and what I have learned in the pain Management program, I am proactively controlling my pain and living a fuller, more vibrant life.
I am humbled by this list. The past 983 days have been the period of the most growth and change for me personally in my 39 years, but it is the next 6 months, wherein I will become a wife and mother, a Missourian and a member of a new church, that hold the most promise. But, were it not for the 983 days I have just walked through, I would be woefully unequipped to take these next steps into the future that God has for me. I have always clung to Jeremiah 29:11, but it is the two verses that follow that bring the meaning clear to me,
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:11 was my life verse when John and I were married. It wasn’t until a few weeks after his death that I realized that it wasn’t a verse, but 3 verses that needed to be my life verses. Have I always felt prosperous and hopeful about my future? Absolutely not. Over the past 983 days I learned how to call on Him, how to seek Him with my whole heart and how to rest in His Plans for my future. These words will continue to inform the paths I take; God has it under control if we call, seek and rest in the knowledge of His Plan.
Though I think I know what the plan is for the next 6-9 months of my life, and less clearly, for this Second Act He has written for me, I am always aware that as much as my humanity desires to be, I am not and will never be the Planner. What a gift to rest in the arms of the One who sees it all at a glance and know that I don’t have to be “Strong Enough.”
