Three month body slam and fruits of grief

Well, we interred John's ashes Friday January 16th and in many ways, I think I'm doing worse now than I was before. I had hoped that the military ceremony at Riverside National Cemetery would provide closure, and it did in some ways, but in more ways, I feel like it took me backwards to feelings of that first few weeks/month. I was starting to feel like I was processing some of my grief, had dealt with some of my loneliness,and even had faced some of my fears. I KNEW that much of my anger was still there. It still came spewing out in the strangest of ways and the oddest times. When John shot himself, I was robbed of not only my husband, but my ability to place blame and focus my anger. I have carried so much anger at him for these months not just for his choice to take his life, but for the betrayal and lack of ability to resolve my feelings of abandonment.
Anyway, the ceremony brought back many of the "fresh" feelings of loneliness, abandonment and fear. I've been having bad/graphic dreams again. I keep waking up SURE that John is there in bed with me and anxious when I realize he's not. I miss him more now it seems than I have since that first month.I was starting to feel like I could make it as a " single" person and while logically I know I can, the emotions are wrecking havoc with me right now. 15 years of marriage, good or bad is a long time to be with someone and I am sometimes just plain lonely. I miss his presence, I miss our routines, and I miss just being a part of a couple... I am really struggling with my desire to "use" on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. {For those who don't know or forgot,I'm 10 months clean into recovery from an addiction to prescription pain killers}. Thank the Lord I have a strong support group for that issue alone....
As I've heard it said, there is often a "three month body slam" that occurs to survivors of suicide. Physically and emotionally there are factors that can just "take you out" as enough time has passed that real life starts up again and you get "slammed" by all those thoughts and feelings that you hadn't really yet dealt with. I am truly in the midst of it now. Please pray that the enemy not use either my emotions or my tendency towards migraines to derail my healing process.
Yet, even in the midst of all of this, there is some small healing. When I had my private time at the actual internment, and the cemetery representative asked if I wanted to place John's remains in the ground, I was glad to be able to. I prayed, spoke to John just a bit-told him I didn't want to be angry at him any more, and asked his forgiveness for all the hateful thoughts I've had towards him, and said that I wanted to let him go. And then I did.
But the strange thing about this process is that that act of truly, physically "letting go" forced me to look deeper at myself and face my own reasons for not pursuing all the things God has in store for me. So, I think back to myself that day , looking down into that deep dark hole where I placed that box of ashes and wonder; what will I allow God to grow in its place? How long will I allow the soil to lie fallow until it is productive? How much hoeing and weeding must God do in my stubborn heart before I allow His giftings in me to bear fruit? Lord, please help keep my heart pliable with the accountability of friends, nourished with Your Word and watered with my tears of humility and obedience so that you can grow in me the produce you desire.

Contradictions, interment,forward movement and closure

Well, after some introspection and examining of my iphoto library, I realized that I had 100's of John in my Mac and maybe a dozen or so of me. (That is another, deeper psychological discussion best saved for a later date in a one on one format.) I was encouraged that although I am just starting this journey of self- discovery, I was ready to pose for a few pics that spoke to my emerging sense of hope and often joy. I had over 90 taken, but wanted to share a few fun ones. Please check out my new picture album!

I also turned my cars in yesterday (both MY car that John died in and his Expedition that was too painful to drive due to the associations of WHY I couldn't drive mine and also other painful history with that vehicle.) I turned them both in to the dealer yesterday and got a 2007 Chevy Impala V6 with all the bells and whistles: leather, heated seats, remote start and AWESOME custom wheels and lo-profile tires (which were added free in the deal!) I also purchased an extended warranty to take care of me for 3+ years as I am no mechanic by any stretch of the imagination. It was one of the best decisions I've made towards healing.

Despite that, tomorrow is the interment of John's ashes at Riverside National Cemetery. I am not looking forward to the emotion, but will be glad for the closure. PLEASE PRAY for harmony between myself and John's family. There have been some awkward and tough communications from them lately and I know it is a result of us all dealing in our own unique way with grief and questions. It will be a simple mainly military service with a few words from Pastor Kurt from HDC. I needed simplicity and privacy to say my goodbyes (again) and I hope that my wishes are respected and I am allowed to have some private time at his graveside.

As most of you know, this is not a traditional death nor grieving process, and I'm grateful for all the support for me to be able to just face it as need be- broken, pissed off, confused, and now hopeful for a life without the complications of John's disturbed last months and our difficult marriage. I am so blessed to be continuing the quest of rediscovering myself in the Lord apart from how much of my own sense of self I had lost in the last years of our distant marriage. Please understand, I am NOT blaming John for all our problems- I accept my role and responsibility in my own failings.

Nevertheless, I know that the "good work" God began in me in those last rough months before I had any clue what John would choose is still alive and flourishing. He instructs me through His word and my experiences of living and enjoying life one day at a time to do the spiritual and emotional work that will bring me closer in alignment with His will for my life (and the desires of my heart!)

Thanks for the past prayer war/coverage you all have been generating and I humbly ask that you focus your petitions to God for a drama free and healing day for me and John's family. Good night my family and "oikos"! I love you and am eternally blessed by your faithfulness. I am claiming Psalms 143:6; "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."