Well, after some introspection and examining of my iphoto library, I realized that I had 100's of John in my Mac and maybe a dozen or so of me. (That is another, deeper psychological discussion best saved for a later date in a one on one format.) I was encouraged that although I am just starting this journey of self- discovery, I was ready to pose for a few pics that spoke to my emerging sense of hope and often joy. I had over 90 taken, but wanted to share a few fun ones. Please check out my new picture album!
I also turned my cars in yesterday (both MY car that John died in and his Expedition that was too painful to drive due to the associations of WHY I couldn't drive mine and also other painful history with that vehicle.) I turned them both in to the dealer yesterday and got a 2007 Chevy Impala V6 with all the bells and whistles: leather, heated seats, remote start and AWESOME custom wheels and lo-profile tires (which were added free in the deal!) I also purchased an extended warranty to take care of me for 3+ years as I am no mechanic by any stretch of the imagination. It was one of the best decisions I've made towards healing.
Despite that, tomorrow is the interment of John's ashes at Riverside National Cemetery. I am not looking forward to the emotion, but will be glad for the closure. PLEASE PRAY for harmony between myself and John's family. There have been some awkward and tough communications from them lately and I know it is a result of us all dealing in our own unique way with grief and questions. It will be a simple mainly military service with a few words from Pastor Kurt from HDC. I needed simplicity and privacy to say my goodbyes (again) and I hope that my wishes are respected and I am allowed to have some private time at his graveside.
As most of you know, this is not a traditional death nor grieving process, and I'm grateful for all the support for me to be able to just face it as need be- broken, pissed off, confused, and now hopeful for a life without the complications of John's disturbed last months and our difficult marriage. I am so blessed to be continuing the quest of rediscovering myself in the Lord apart from how much of my own sense of self I had lost in the last years of our distant marriage. Please understand, I am NOT blaming John for all our problems- I accept my role and responsibility in my own failings.
Nevertheless, I know that the "good work" God began in me in those last rough months before I had any clue what John would choose is still alive and flourishing. He instructs me through His word and my experiences of living and enjoying life one day at a time to do the spiritual and emotional work that will bring me closer in alignment with His will for my life (and the desires of my heart!)
Thanks for the past prayer war/coverage you all have been generating and I humbly ask that you focus your petitions to God for a drama free and healing day for me and John's family. Good night my family and "oikos"! I love you and am eternally blessed by your faithfulness. I am claiming Psalms 143:6; "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."
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