Although logically I know today was Christmas, it sure didn't feel like it. You see, for nearly the past 10 years, John was in ministry and Christmas was mainly about being involved with the multiple Christmas services at our church(es). We spent Christmas day alternating years with each other’s families (we were married 15 years), but the preparations were mainly about the church body because that was his job and our ministry. Since we didn’t have children, Christmas day was often anticlimactic. I often felt as though I rated last place. So, today I thought about what my future Christmases might hold. What new people and opportunities might God bring into my life to help me start MY OWN new traditions?
Since John chose to take his life that night of Oct. 10th, I feel like I am moving sporadically between a bubble of numbness (which is a relief sometimes, and angers me others) and anger at his actions and the violence of the act itself. Strangely, there is another emotion that recurs frequently, and it is peace. I am at peace because I know that my worth comes from our Savior, not my fallible and (obviously, from his final choice,) greatly disturbed husband. I compare this range of emotions to being in a pinball machine- there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens and, sometimes, I get stuck in a “slot” where the “flippers” of whatever emotion is assailing me just seem to pin me to the wall, helpless. Other times, it seems as though I am hitting all the bonus points over and over and I am afraid that it is too good to be true. (That is usually when my ball just drops out of the game all together and I have to find the strength to pull the handle back for another round…)
Sadly, John's final act showed me in a brutally clear way just how precious MY life is, and just how much I have to live for. I hate this process of figuring out these emotions and finding a "new normal", but I can truly say that in the midst of it all, I am so grateful to be able TO STILL FEEL. I do love being alive-life is such a mixture of the great, the ugly and the mundane. Today I was able to taste excellent flavors, use my brain to solve puzzles, pray with family and friends, laugh at silly sayings and snuggle with a toddler. How could we really appreciate the beauty without the pain? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to walk this road if I had the choice; even Jesus didn't WANT to die for us, yet He knew it was what was needed for God's plan. So, trusting in that plan, I'll keep walking, surely stubbing my toes along the way, maybe skinning my knees, but ALWAYS looking ahead to the one who lights the way. Psalm 119:105 reminds us that, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”
May this New Year bring peace to your homes and hearts as you all strive to walk your own paths.
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