Whatever You're doing

Sometimes it feels as though all of the possible emotions one human can have are swirling around in my head at the same time. How can my small mind begin to comprehend (and sort into some type of coherence) some of the most wrenching, confusing and yet strangely peaceful feelings that one can experience? Tonight is the two month anniversary of John's death. I was in a state of emotional and physical distress today, mainly because I didn't want to think about it. The reality is that two months ago, my husband decided to end his life and I am still picking up the pieces...
Surprisingly enough, most of my days are not spent sobbing and curled in a ball hiding from the world. Not that I don't feel the desire to do that often, but I am choosing not to, or rather, God is giving me the strength to do otherwise. Dealing with the range of emotions that attend death, especially a violent death, is tricky at best. I have compared my experience not to a roller coaster or a pendulum, but rather a pinball machine, where I can't predict the direction and intensity of the feelings that accost me. I am just allowing them to come and rolling with them the best I can- mainly by giving the emotions back to God and talking to friends and family that allow me to freely express what I'm feeling. The surprise i mentioned above is that I feel peace, yes, peace that passes understanding, most of the time. Quiet in the midst of the storm.
Do I know what the next few months hold for me in terms of where I'll live, where I'll work or with what I will be occupying my time? No. But, I do know the One who is holding me and is giving me strength to take each new step. My future is so much more uncertain than I would choose, but I am at peace with that, as well, as God is slowly showing me who He wants to me to be, regardless of the job I hold or the house in which I reside. I keep singing that song by Santus Real, "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)", and believing that God is doing a work in my life to ready me for greater use in His Kingdom.
As we head into the heart of the Christmas season, I ask that you pray for me in several areas. First, please pray for wisdom in the practical choices I make in re-building my life. Pray that I be discerning in my choice of work and use of finances. Secondly, pray that my heart continue to heal from this heavy loss and that I diligently turn my hurts and fears over to our Lord.