Surviving Christmas without John, Pinball Machines and Psalm 119

Although logically I know today was Christmas, it sure didn't feel like it. You see, for nearly the past 10 years, John was in ministry and Christmas was mainly about being involved with the multiple Christmas services at our church(es). We spent Christmas day alternating years with each other’s families (we were married 15 years), but the preparations were mainly about the church body because that was his job and our ministry. Since we didn’t have children, Christmas day was often anticlimactic. I often felt as though I rated last place. So, today I thought about what my future Christmases might hold. What new people and opportunities might God bring into my life to help me start MY OWN new traditions?

Since John chose to take his life that night of Oct. 10th, I feel like I am moving sporadically between a bubble of numbness (which is a relief sometimes, and angers me others) and anger at his actions and the violence of the act itself. Strangely, there is another emotion that recurs frequently, and it is peace. I am at peace because I know that my worth comes from our Savior, not my fallible and (obviously, from his final choice,) greatly disturbed husband. I compare this range of emotions to being in a pinball machine- there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens and, sometimes, I get stuck in a “slot” where the “flippers” of whatever emotion is assailing me just seem to pin me to the wall, helpless. Other times, it seems as though I am hitting all the bonus points over and over and I am afraid that it is too good to be true. (That is usually when my ball just drops out of the game all together and I have to find the strength to pull the handle back for another round…)
Sadly, John's final act showed me in a brutally clear way just how precious MY life is, and just how much I have to live for. I hate this process of figuring out these emotions and finding a "new normal", but I can truly say that in the midst of it all, I am so grateful to be able TO STILL FEEL. I do love being alive-life is such a mixture of the great, the ugly and the mundane. Today I was able to taste excellent flavors, use my brain to solve puzzles, pray with family and friends, laugh at silly sayings and snuggle with a toddler. How could we really appreciate the beauty without the pain? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to walk this road if I had the choice; even Jesus didn't WANT to die for us, yet He knew it was what was needed for God's plan. So, trusting in that plan, I'll keep walking, surely stubbing my toes along the way, maybe skinning my knees, but ALWAYS looking ahead to the one who lights the way. Psalm 119:105 reminds us that, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”
May this New Year bring peace to your homes and hearts as you all strive to walk your own paths.

Whatever You're doing

Sometimes it feels as though all of the possible emotions one human can have are swirling around in my head at the same time. How can my small mind begin to comprehend (and sort into some type of coherence) some of the most wrenching, confusing and yet strangely peaceful feelings that one can experience? Tonight is the two month anniversary of John's death. I was in a state of emotional and physical distress today, mainly because I didn't want to think about it. The reality is that two months ago, my husband decided to end his life and I am still picking up the pieces...
Surprisingly enough, most of my days are not spent sobbing and curled in a ball hiding from the world. Not that I don't feel the desire to do that often, but I am choosing not to, or rather, God is giving me the strength to do otherwise. Dealing with the range of emotions that attend death, especially a violent death, is tricky at best. I have compared my experience not to a roller coaster or a pendulum, but rather a pinball machine, where I can't predict the direction and intensity of the feelings that accost me. I am just allowing them to come and rolling with them the best I can- mainly by giving the emotions back to God and talking to friends and family that allow me to freely express what I'm feeling. The surprise i mentioned above is that I feel peace, yes, peace that passes understanding, most of the time. Quiet in the midst of the storm.
Do I know what the next few months hold for me in terms of where I'll live, where I'll work or with what I will be occupying my time? No. But, I do know the One who is holding me and is giving me strength to take each new step. My future is so much more uncertain than I would choose, but I am at peace with that, as well, as God is slowly showing me who He wants to me to be, regardless of the job I hold or the house in which I reside. I keep singing that song by Santus Real, "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)", and believing that God is doing a work in my life to ready me for greater use in His Kingdom.
As we head into the heart of the Christmas season, I ask that you pray for me in several areas. First, please pray for wisdom in the practical choices I make in re-building my life. Pray that I be discerning in my choice of work and use of finances. Secondly, pray that my heart continue to heal from this heavy loss and that I diligently turn my hurts and fears over to our Lord.