Insomnia is My Friend

At least someone is sleeping in my house...

As many of you know, I have struggled with an addiction to prescription medications, specifically the heavy duty pain killers given for my migraines. I have been active in NA and Celebrate Recovery for two years, but it was really only the first year that I was legitimately "clean". On March 4, I checked myself in to an inpatient detox to safely stop the use which had accelerated since Christmas. I just took my 30 day chip at a women's NA group Tuesday night. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this recovery is that my body is still not used to sleeping unaided. So, many nights, I am up into the wee hours, reading and hoping for sleep.

It just occurred to me that I am almost exactly at one and a half years after John's death and I haven't been writing much at all in the last year. Why is that? I suppose God has been refining me in some very difficult ways and I wasn't ready to bear the heat, so I stayed away from exploring my emotions. If I look a little closer, I can realize that the time when I was exploring some of these deeper issues of abandonment and questioning my worth as a woman was when I slowly slipped back into using . I like to refer to what I have learned in recovery as tools for living. But somehow, I set down that toolbox, "forgot" where I had put it and it was lost in the piles of unused, but valuable things I have acquired over the years. The night of March 3rd, I went looking and for the last month,I have been dusting off my toolbox and remembering how to use the life-changing tools inside.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."-Jeremiah 33:3

Honestly, in those first few months after John died, I envisioned my life very different from what it is now. Though I feel like I have been stagnating, I know that even this period lacking much in measurable change is part of my story. What have I learned from these months of just existing? I have a quote from Helen Keller on my wall and it says,

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content."

Contentment is something that I strive for and find most days. I suppose this is the lesson I needed to learn. After years of achieving anything I set my mind to and then years of barely surviving, I realize that nothing that I do (or don't do) is going to change the way my Savior looks at me. I spent so much time trying to be "happy", not realizing that it was an unachievable state. Happiness is something that occurs as a side affect of living a contented life. Moments of happiness are usually not even recognized until after the fact, but an attitude of contentment supersedes any circumstance.

"While we pursue happiness, we flee from contentment." ~Hasidic Proverb

So, if I had to take the long route to getting here, I am fine with that. If it took months of suffering from the fear of facing my feelings to get me here, so be it. If many more nights of broken and little sleep is what's required for me to learn this lesson once and for all, I am on board.

Contentment and peace seem to go hand in hand. I think that in the past I believed that I could never achieve peace because I was always looking to the future for something better. Today, I can look around me and focus so much more on the gratitude I have for the people and things that God has "supernaturally and strategically" put into my life.

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."

-Proverbs 14:30

Instead of complaining about being awake at 1:41 am, I am choosing to see myself as blessed to be able to pick up my writing again. Staying focused on the now, being as fully aware of each moment as possible, and having an attitude of gratitude has and continues to change my outlook on life.

"I threw away that glass that was half empty and started filling a new one."-Cris New

I said this just last week to an old friend of 20+ years. During the three hour conversation, we talked about where we are today and where we thought we'd be. I wouldn't have guessed this reality for myself in a million years. Nevertheless, I find contentment in knowing that though I don't know the plan, I am intimately familiar with the Planner and that is sufficient unto today. It is so amazing to be able to laugh at my own words and feel secure in who I am.

Matt Redmond's song "Blessed Be Your Name" has been rolling around in my head for the past few days, so I thought I'd end this with a question: Can you bless His name even when you don't know where you are going? To me, that is another definition of contentment.

28 Excellent Phrases

1) Give God what’s right… not what’s left.

2) Man’s way leads to hopeless end… God’s way leads to endless hope.

3) A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4) He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5) In the sentence of life, the devil may be the comma, but never let him be the period.

6) Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.

7) Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to church for a faith-lift.

8) When praying, don’t give God instructions… just report for duty.

9) Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church. Rise up and walk!

10) We don’t change God’s message… His message changes us.

11) Want to escape the heat of hell? Go to church. It’s prayer-conditioned.

12) You don’t drown by falling in. You drown by staying in.

13) When God ordains, He sustains.

14) Warning: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

15) Plan ahead… it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

16) Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

17) Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

18) Exercise daily… WALK WITH THE LORD!

19) Never give the devil a ride… he always wants to drive.

20) Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

21) Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

22) He who angers you, controls you.

23) Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

24) WAIT… to worry. Your sweat might sting more than the outcome!

25) Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.

26) Be ye fishers of men… you catch them and He’ll clean them.

27) God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

28) Running from God does not disqualify you from further service.

Road Trip, Birthday and Anniversary without John and Hebrews

I have been in a bad cycle of Migraines and depression lately. It has really had a hold on me. I am supposed to be changing meds again this next week (we were waiting on some medical financial aid as the RX is $700). I know that when I get to the gym regularly, doing cardio, strength training and yoga, I feel much better, but the health issues often keep me away. I have a trainer now and just started using the Bodybugg system, so hopefully, there will be more motivation there.
I am stuck in a bit of a rut- okay something closer to a pit..:) (Pastor Tom once said that the only difference between a rut and a grave is how long you stay there...)I don't want to stay here any longer than necessary.
I am starting to formulate some ideas of change-
1. Going on a road trip through CA to see family and friends culminating in Southern Oregon.
2. Figuring out new ways to celebrate my birthday with out John. Glen Ivy, girls?
3. Praying about being involved in the Malawi trip in June (which will thankfully fall during the 1st wedding anniversary without John).
4. Taking a trip with an old friend in July.
5. Maybe, just maybe, making a life decision to teach for a year in South Korea (Seoul) at a Christian International School. They are looking for both a middle school and high school english teacher. I am praying for wisdom on these decisions and would love your prayers and insights (especially on the overseas teaching idea...)
So, what am I asking? Please pray, of course. But of more tangible help to me right now would be calls/fb posts or emails about your thoughts about some of these issues. I am feeling very isolated right now and I know I haven't reached out as much as I should have; nevertheless I am asking those of you who feel led to reach out to me in this time of large decision making and just be a sounding board or a companion. I don't expect others to fix my problems or come up with the perfect solution for my future, but I do know that the more I speak to people one on one and share my heart (thanks again for the conversation after church Bobby), the more clearly I can see what my options look like and how to start pursuing them. In other words, if God brings me to your mind, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me- I have had some of the most uplifting and helpful conversations just because someone contacted me when God laid me on their heart.
And yes, God has been convicting me about putting out my hand for help. Asking to spend time with people when I'm lonely, calling when I'm plagued by graphic thoughts, and seeking out companionship to take my eyes off myself.
I'm involved in a Christian online support group for survivors of suicide and this was posted the other day. It gave me more hope and I pray it does the same for you.


We Can’t … but God Can!

Why things happen as they do
we do not always know,
And we cannot always fathom
why our spirits sink so low.
We flounder in our dark distress,
we're wavering and unstable,
But when we’re most inadequate
the Lord God’s always able.
For though we are incapable,
God’s powerful and great,
And there’s no darkness of the mind
that God can’t penetrate.

All that is required of us
whenever things go wrong
Is to trust in God implicitly
with a faith that’s deep and strong,
And while He may not instantly
unravel all the strands
Of the tangled thoughts that trouble us,
He completely understands
And in this time, if we have Faith,
He will gradually restore
The brightness to our spirit
That we’ve been longing for.
So remember, there’s no cloud too dark
For God’s light to penetrate
If we keep on believing
And have Faith Enough to Wait!
~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:15,16

Take good care of each other and have a blessed day.

John's Tree Dedication

On April 11th John will have been with his Savior for 6 months. On April 18th at 1 pm we will be dedicating a tree and plaque in his name at the Memorial Grove at Hesperia Lakes. We would be honored if his family and friends would join with us in this time of dedication and remembrance.
Because music was so important to John nothing would please us more than that you bring your instruments and voice and that we play and sing praises to God our Father in John’s memory or maybe even a silly “inside” song. If you have a memory you would like to share I know we would all be blessed by it.
This will be an informal gathering so please bring along your chairs and pray for good weather.
If you'd like to bring some munchies or drinks, go ahed, but call me first so we don't have 15 bags of chips.
Directions. Main Street east to Lake Arrowhead Road. Go about 1½ mi to the Hesperia Lakes parking lot south of the lake where the little store is. Follow the road around to the back of the park area and turn left. The memorial grove is to your left. There should be plenty of parking in the area. Please help us get the word out. Thanks, Cris and John's Mom.
Please be sure to bring a chair/blanket and any instruments /voices you might want to share.I hope this will continue the healing for all of us. please pass the word to those non FB folks you know who loved John. Please continue to pray for healing as we dedicate this tree (and say good bye again

Three month body slam and fruits of grief

Well, we interred John's ashes Friday January 16th and in many ways, I think I'm doing worse now than I was before. I had hoped that the military ceremony at Riverside National Cemetery would provide closure, and it did in some ways, but in more ways, I feel like it took me backwards to feelings of that first few weeks/month. I was starting to feel like I was processing some of my grief, had dealt with some of my loneliness,and even had faced some of my fears. I KNEW that much of my anger was still there. It still came spewing out in the strangest of ways and the oddest times. When John shot himself, I was robbed of not only my husband, but my ability to place blame and focus my anger. I have carried so much anger at him for these months not just for his choice to take his life, but for the betrayal and lack of ability to resolve my feelings of abandonment.
Anyway, the ceremony brought back many of the "fresh" feelings of loneliness, abandonment and fear. I've been having bad/graphic dreams again. I keep waking up SURE that John is there in bed with me and anxious when I realize he's not. I miss him more now it seems than I have since that first month.I was starting to feel like I could make it as a " single" person and while logically I know I can, the emotions are wrecking havoc with me right now. 15 years of marriage, good or bad is a long time to be with someone and I am sometimes just plain lonely. I miss his presence, I miss our routines, and I miss just being a part of a couple... I am really struggling with my desire to "use" on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. {For those who don't know or forgot,I'm 10 months clean into recovery from an addiction to prescription pain killers}. Thank the Lord I have a strong support group for that issue alone....
As I've heard it said, there is often a "three month body slam" that occurs to survivors of suicide. Physically and emotionally there are factors that can just "take you out" as enough time has passed that real life starts up again and you get "slammed" by all those thoughts and feelings that you hadn't really yet dealt with. I am truly in the midst of it now. Please pray that the enemy not use either my emotions or my tendency towards migraines to derail my healing process.
Yet, even in the midst of all of this, there is some small healing. When I had my private time at the actual internment, and the cemetery representative asked if I wanted to place John's remains in the ground, I was glad to be able to. I prayed, spoke to John just a bit-told him I didn't want to be angry at him any more, and asked his forgiveness for all the hateful thoughts I've had towards him, and said that I wanted to let him go. And then I did.
But the strange thing about this process is that that act of truly, physically "letting go" forced me to look deeper at myself and face my own reasons for not pursuing all the things God has in store for me. So, I think back to myself that day , looking down into that deep dark hole where I placed that box of ashes and wonder; what will I allow God to grow in its place? How long will I allow the soil to lie fallow until it is productive? How much hoeing and weeding must God do in my stubborn heart before I allow His giftings in me to bear fruit? Lord, please help keep my heart pliable with the accountability of friends, nourished with Your Word and watered with my tears of humility and obedience so that you can grow in me the produce you desire.

Contradictions, interment,forward movement and closure

Well, after some introspection and examining of my iphoto library, I realized that I had 100's of John in my Mac and maybe a dozen or so of me. (That is another, deeper psychological discussion best saved for a later date in a one on one format.) I was encouraged that although I am just starting this journey of self- discovery, I was ready to pose for a few pics that spoke to my emerging sense of hope and often joy. I had over 90 taken, but wanted to share a few fun ones. Please check out my new picture album!

I also turned my cars in yesterday (both MY car that John died in and his Expedition that was too painful to drive due to the associations of WHY I couldn't drive mine and also other painful history with that vehicle.) I turned them both in to the dealer yesterday and got a 2007 Chevy Impala V6 with all the bells and whistles: leather, heated seats, remote start and AWESOME custom wheels and lo-profile tires (which were added free in the deal!) I also purchased an extended warranty to take care of me for 3+ years as I am no mechanic by any stretch of the imagination. It was one of the best decisions I've made towards healing.

Despite that, tomorrow is the interment of John's ashes at Riverside National Cemetery. I am not looking forward to the emotion, but will be glad for the closure. PLEASE PRAY for harmony between myself and John's family. There have been some awkward and tough communications from them lately and I know it is a result of us all dealing in our own unique way with grief and questions. It will be a simple mainly military service with a few words from Pastor Kurt from HDC. I needed simplicity and privacy to say my goodbyes (again) and I hope that my wishes are respected and I am allowed to have some private time at his graveside.

As most of you know, this is not a traditional death nor grieving process, and I'm grateful for all the support for me to be able to just face it as need be- broken, pissed off, confused, and now hopeful for a life without the complications of John's disturbed last months and our difficult marriage. I am so blessed to be continuing the quest of rediscovering myself in the Lord apart from how much of my own sense of self I had lost in the last years of our distant marriage. Please understand, I am NOT blaming John for all our problems- I accept my role and responsibility in my own failings.

Nevertheless, I know that the "good work" God began in me in those last rough months before I had any clue what John would choose is still alive and flourishing. He instructs me through His word and my experiences of living and enjoying life one day at a time to do the spiritual and emotional work that will bring me closer in alignment with His will for my life (and the desires of my heart!)

Thanks for the past prayer war/coverage you all have been generating and I humbly ask that you focus your petitions to God for a drama free and healing day for me and John's family. Good night my family and "oikos"! I love you and am eternally blessed by your faithfulness. I am claiming Psalms 143:6; "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

Surviving Christmas without John, Pinball Machines and Psalm 119

Although logically I know today was Christmas, it sure didn't feel like it. You see, for nearly the past 10 years, John was in ministry and Christmas was mainly about being involved with the multiple Christmas services at our church(es). We spent Christmas day alternating years with each other’s families (we were married 15 years), but the preparations were mainly about the church body because that was his job and our ministry. Since we didn’t have children, Christmas day was often anticlimactic. I often felt as though I rated last place. So, today I thought about what my future Christmases might hold. What new people and opportunities might God bring into my life to help me start MY OWN new traditions?

Since John chose to take his life that night of Oct. 10th, I feel like I am moving sporadically between a bubble of numbness (which is a relief sometimes, and angers me others) and anger at his actions and the violence of the act itself. Strangely, there is another emotion that recurs frequently, and it is peace. I am at peace because I know that my worth comes from our Savior, not my fallible and (obviously, from his final choice,) greatly disturbed husband. I compare this range of emotions to being in a pinball machine- there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens and, sometimes, I get stuck in a “slot” where the “flippers” of whatever emotion is assailing me just seem to pin me to the wall, helpless. Other times, it seems as though I am hitting all the bonus points over and over and I am afraid that it is too good to be true. (That is usually when my ball just drops out of the game all together and I have to find the strength to pull the handle back for another round…)
Sadly, John's final act showed me in a brutally clear way just how precious MY life is, and just how much I have to live for. I hate this process of figuring out these emotions and finding a "new normal", but I can truly say that in the midst of it all, I am so grateful to be able TO STILL FEEL. I do love being alive-life is such a mixture of the great, the ugly and the mundane. Today I was able to taste excellent flavors, use my brain to solve puzzles, pray with family and friends, laugh at silly sayings and snuggle with a toddler. How could we really appreciate the beauty without the pain? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to walk this road if I had the choice; even Jesus didn't WANT to die for us, yet He knew it was what was needed for God's plan. So, trusting in that plan, I'll keep walking, surely stubbing my toes along the way, maybe skinning my knees, but ALWAYS looking ahead to the one who lights the way. Psalm 119:105 reminds us that, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”
May this New Year bring peace to your homes and hearts as you all strive to walk your own paths.